year 3

the idea of how we even met still mind fucks me to this day. if someone would have told me even a day before we met that i was going to meet the love of my life on a my chemical romance message board, i would have laughed in their face and shimmied on about my 13 year old ways. i was a baby then. i had no sense of self, no sense of identity, no sense of...anything. i was a scared little girl who was only concerned with pleasing other people, especially my mom. that was how i was raised-to be a people pleaser. i had shit friends, shit self-esteem, and had a new found obsession with pete wentz. why you even wanted to become friends with me, i will never know. but it happened. and i can honestly say that it changed my life forever. i don't remember as much as i'd like to from the days we were first getting to know each other, but i do remember that it was over spring break and that we clicked instantly...even if it was over a penis. (irony!) we had our own set little time that we would scurry online to talk to each other. i remember that i was afraid that after spring break was over that we would lose contact, but we didn't. now that im thinking about it, it amazes me that we haven't. i've literally lost contact with every "internet friend" i've ever had. ever. but not you. you were different. too important to let go of. and at first, i didn't know how to handle that (which i'm sure you remember). i'd pick fights with you over absolutely nothing. i'd push you away constantly. god knows what else i'd do. i have no idea how we survived that. but we did. we had our own cute little bella crew and we tried to make everyone get it on the fueled by ramen and mcr boards get it by constantly having "bella crew parties" in which hair would be doing his hair and sideburns would be combing his sideburns. nobody got it of course, but we thought we were hilarious and that's all that matters. but things were starting to change and i could feel it. one night we were having a conversation on yahoo and things were light and airy as usual. i don't even remember what we were talking about but i started calling you gay and we were just joking back and forth about it. then it happened. "you're so gay!" "haha maybe i am." "really?" "yes." maybe that's not exactly how it happened but it's how i remember it in my head. i freaked out. i don't remember if i signed off or if i just played it off like i was fine with it (when clearly i wasn't) but i know that you knew i wasn't okay with it. we grew apart. didn't talk much. you got into a new group of friends. we talked even less. at that point i just excepted the fact that we were never going to be the same again. our time was up. but it was never over in my head. i was trying so desperately to figure out what it bothered me so much that you might be gay. so what? why does that affect me? i'm just some kid in chicago and you're in MO. who gives a shit, right? oh, but it was sooo much more to me than that. see, before that moment i had never even thought about liking girls. i never thought about or was exposed to anything gay. i was cailee. the nice, quiet girl from the chicago suburbs that attended church on a semi-regular basis. i was the good girl. the girl my mom wanted me to be. straight. but what if i wasn't? what if i was gay? all i knew then was that i was jealous and mad that we weren't as close as we used to be. jealous of girls i shouldn't be jealous of. confused. scared. i don't know how or why but we did start talking again. it was obvious to you that something was up with me, as usual. more importantly, that i was jealous. i knew that you liked me. i just didn't know to what extent, and if it was more than her which drove me crazy. eventually, i got the hint. but it took me awhile. we got close again, which i loved. and the truth finally did come out. i don't remember how. but i do remember that it was beautiful. i wish i still had the conversation. i really do. but in the end it doesn't matter. i know it was sometime in late january/early feb. we didn't really discuss it much after that. which is understandable. we were both processing everything in our little teenage heads. then on valentines day, the ice was cracked just a little bit more. you asked me to be your valentine. when i saw your blog a smile broke out that took up my entire face. of course i said yes. and the whole thing was just so adorable. we continued talking, and then you asked me out in code on your blog. this was a setback, as much as i hate to admit it. i got scared all over again. the idea of having a girlfriend just scared me to no end. looking back i have no idea why. but i have to remember that the coming out process is so scary and confusing at first. it took me what seemed like a long time to finally say yes, which brings us to march 15, 2007. took me long enough, huh? hahaha. but i believe that all of that needed to happen before we got together. we both had to grow up a little bit (especially me). i still remember you asking me if it was okay if you wrote me love notes and if you could call me babe. it was so cute. we were both so nervous and unsure of how we were supposed to handle this sudden switch from best friends to being a couple. but in the end we handled it well. we were progressing. i remember at first when we were on the phone we both wanted to say 'i love you' before hanging up but we never did. there was always that pause and then a OKAY BYE! hahaha. you finally admitted to me later on that you wanted to say it but were too afraid. i still remember the first time you actually said it. i was so happy. finally she said it!!! our time together has been full of ups and downs, just like any relationship. i'm not going to dwell on the bad because we've been over it and that hasn't at all been what we've been about, ever. i feel like i've grown up with you becky. nothing can ever erase all those memories. we have so much history it's crazy to me. you've been with me through all my most detrimental life experiences. you helped me through all of them. knowing that you were there for me made it so much easier and gave me so much comfort. i honestly believe that you saved me from my self and from my family. becky, i was such a fucked up kid before i met you. you have no idea. i had zero self confidence. zero self worth. i would run away from home. i cut. i didn't care about myself. i thought i was completely worthless. i was in a day program for fucked up kids for half of sixth grade. i was on 3 different kinds pills. there were so many times that i thought of just ending it all and downing all three bottles. when i was younger, about 6, i tried to drown myself in the middle of lake michigan during the chicago airshow. being only 6, i didn't succeed. moral of the story, i was fucked up and unhappy. i slowly started coming out of all of those self-destructive antics when i met you. i never had a friend like you before. i could be myself around you. i didn't put up this front like i did with everyone else. i didn't know why. you were different. i didn't want to. you made me realize that it's okay to be who i am. that someone will still love me for whatever that is. i don't have to be who my mom, or anyone else wants me to be. my moms words dont matter. sometimes they still cut me short of breath, but now i know how to tell myself that it doesn't matter. it just simply doesn't matter. you made me realize that becky, you did. looking back on all of this just makes me realize how much we really have grown into ourselves. from being the scared little 13 year old 'straight' girl, to the raving 17 year old lesbian wild child that i am today (haha). i'm finally happy. so happy. and although things are so much better now, i wouldn't change those years for anything. it has made us who we are today. i know that i was supposed to find you. and i'm so glad that i did. i love you with my whole being rebecca stuart. and i know that nothing can take away what i feel for you. it's the most real thing i've ever felt in my entire life. and that will never change, no matter what you do. i will always love you, of that i am completely sure. so here's to year 4 and all of the years after that. because hell, there's no way i'm letting go of you now.

love always,
cailee